In An Introduction to Non-Attachment I described the basic idea of non-attachment. As promised, here’s the (belated) follow-up.
Even after creating this blog, the idea of dating still weighed heavily on my shoulders. So much of my imagined future depended on the success of my attempts at dating. If I spent all this time and energy trying to find a long-term relationship and still failed, what would that say about me?
The possibility of trying and still failing was scarier than doing nothing, so that’s exactly what I ended up doing: nothing. I felt stuck.
It wasn’t until I read 10% Happier that I was able to deal with many of my fears about dating. To get a better idea of how this worked for me, here’s an example of how my outlook changed after applying non-attachment.
Pre Non-Attachment
Question: What if I don’t get married and have kids in my thirties? What if I devote all this time and effort to dating and it still doesn’t work out?
Answer: Cue existential crisis. My life will have no meaning…I’m incapable of being loved…My parents will be disappointed in me…People will pity me and see me as incomplete…I’ll be sad and lonely for the rest of my life…I’ll have wasted so much time for nothing…
After learning about non-attachment, I took a step back and told myself I could be detached from the results of dating. I could still focus on dating as I had planned to, but reminded myself that it was all right if it didn’t turn out how I expected.
Post Non-Attachment
Question: What if I devote all this time and effort to dating and it still doesn’t work out?
New answer: That would be okay.
The answer was simple, but for me it was eye-opening. It was as if I had never realized this option existed. I’m allowed to be happy with my life even if I never have kids or get married? What a concept!
Once it dawned on me I wouldn’t have to live my life lamenting what could have been, it was as if my brain unlocked all these alternative ideas I’d been holding back. It didn’t mean I could never have kids. It didn’t mean I would never be in a happy relationship.
There was adoption or raising foster kids or freezing my eggs or a one night stand. (I’m kidding about the one night stand. Mostly.)
I would have the rest of my life to be in a healthy relationship, if it was still important to me. I could stay single until my 60s and still have time to have a happy 20-year marriage. There would be no need to rush.
Oddly, being okay with it not working out has made me more motivated to date, not less. It’s not as tied up with my sense of self-worth. By not being attached to the success or failure of dating, I can still be happy with myself for trying.
Related posts:
Letting Life Slip Through by Ruth Rutherford on I Kissed My Date Goodbye
About Loss: Impermanence is Inevitable (Part I) by KE Garland
Date By Number 
How happy I was to see your new post in my reader and then how flattered I was to see you’d pinged back to me 🙂 Thanks so much! And I have to add, CONGRATULATIONS! I can almost see a light bulb turning on over your head as you’ve moved into acceptance. This was a great read. Things are okay, indeed.
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I’m glad you enjoyed it. And you’re right, it really was a light bulb moment for me!
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Im so glad you linked this lady’s work K or I would never have found this post. Non attachment is an idea that some how has recently confronted with me and If I’m honest I never really understood it so brushed of the idea. This post was such a great read, it all makes sense now. Acceptance of the what is now, I don’t need to over complicate it non-attachment is actually quite simple. Thanks ladies
Dionne
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Wow, thank you! I’m really glad you found it helpful!
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You’re welcome, I really did 😊
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Thanks Dionne! I still grapple with the concept myself (e.g., when death occurs), but I’m glad that you were able to see it from a different perspective.
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Yeah It’s such a tricky concept to get to grips with but just imagine how much more happier and at peace we’d all be if we did. A world without heartache aye😃
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I really admire your honesty and vulnerability in this post. I have the same concerns in regards to marriage and kids, but I don’t really like to voice them because it feels “icky.” I appreciate the fact that you get past the icky feeling.
I think it actually makes a lot of sense that being okay has made you more motivated. It seems like anytime we think we SHOULD (or should not) feel a certain way, we end up making the feeling 10x worse by adding guilt or shame on top of it. Acknowledging the truth can go a long way in helping us feel better.
Great post 🙂
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It’s hard, but I’m learning more and more that it pays to look at the bad feelings and figure out what’s behind them. And I agree, trying to make ourselves feel a certain way seems to make it worse.
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Beautiful read. I am going to start practicing this approach too as I have been plagued by these thoughts lately.
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That’s a big compliment coming from someone whose writing I admire! I hope this approach works for you too.
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Beautiful and insightful!
I can relate to this too. As my mom says “you cant revitalise a dead frog”. Whether it is a relationship, a perception or a thought that you have been carrying with you for a while, it is “dead”. But sometimes we are so attached to it that we want to make it alive, and we will find ways to let our attachment grow stronger.
When I was attached to my past relationship and perceptions of myself and the world, I found a good quote “what is based on an old story that you no longer need to tell?”
Wonderful post! It was worth waiting for! 🙂
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I have never heard the frog quote before. Does it sort of mean to let things go?
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Yes. It is based on the science experiment that led to bioelectromagnetism.
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interesting book apparently! All of this is just social pressure; but it is very present. Thanks for sharing
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Yep, it is a good book. It’s a light read, too.
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Great post Sandra!
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Thanks! Glad you enjoyed it.
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I’m a little confused (not at all unusual) – who actually wrote this (excellent) article? 🙂
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I wrote it. Glad you enjoyed it!
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Thanks, Sandra. I find some of the layouts on WordPress confusing at times – thanks for your help there. 😉
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